Job Offer by Alexander Hay
Utopia Science Fiction Magazine | December 2024
WANTED: Sponge Hermit.
LOCATION: Northern Reclamation Zone 45b.
SALARY: Competitive (+ Benefits).
HOURS: F/T.
CONTRACT: Two years in the first instance.
PLACED ON: 01 October 2143.
DEADLINE: 31 October 2143, at 23:59 WET*.
JOB REF: RET-344-A5.
* Western European Time, instituted in 2046, and replacing GMT/BST.
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THE POST.
Are you as one with the Wilds? Are you compliant with auto-cleansing standard 49b? Are your implants able to absorb and neutralise the fallout, toxins, bio-weapons and pollution left behind by the Damned Generations? Then Portslea Borough Council wants you!
As part of our exciting new initiative, PBC is recruiting a Sponge Hermit to take up full-time residence in one of our most contaminated areas, and restore nature unto it. This may require work outside of hours, and some arboriculture.
You will be able to live off the land, with little or no amenities. You will be able to psi-harmonise with the local wildlife (artificial, mutated and/or pre-cataclysmic), and both compose and compile a new corpus of folklore and music.
There may be some interaction with disenfranchised groups and individuals in the reclamation zone. You will, therefore, be required to fashion your own weapons and traps. GSOH essential. Training will be provided.
As you will also provide occasional storytelling and air filtration services to schools, refugee camps, vulnerable adults and SME networking events, excellent oral skills and a full DBS check will be required. A PGCE in Drama or Music is desirable. Beard and green pallor optional.
Portslea Borough Council is an equal opportunities employer, and provides excellent benefits, including cybernetics. We offer a subsidised canteen, gym, career development, staff away days, and ammunition. We are proudly carbon negative and 98.6% self-sufficient in recycling.
For an informal discussion, please contact Elisabeth Cholet (Assistant Chief Eco-Renewal Officer) via mcholet13@portslea.gov.uk
Click the link below to apply! No agencies.
END
Originally published in the April 2024 issue of Utopia Science Fiction Magazine. Republished in the December 2024 Special Art issue.
Alexander Hay is an author who presently lives in the North West of England. Having worked in far too many jobs, and read nervously through even more job adverts, he knows only too well the horrors of the application process.
